I was married to a monster of sorts at least that’s how my child always refers to her father’s angry face; when he get’s that face you’d better run and hide because when he’s in a blind rage and teeth are snarling he’ll eat you alive. His words are sharp and piercing like a knife that cuts to the bone. There’s no one in the end to save you but yourself.
I always wanted to know where the man I married went; he didn’t disappear he never existed. He studied me; listened to me and became what I wanted in a partner; these skills were the tools and weapons he gathered and would use later in the game. He believed what I believed, loved what I loved, I was perfect in his eyes and could do no wrong; the chameleon. That was the man I fell in love with, but that’s not who he was; that was the emotional con. After we were married things changed and I could do nothing right; it was always my fault; I tried so hard to change what he said was wrong with me. I thought if I did this or that; never speak or express how I felt; always did things his way; asked for nothing then maybe he would love me again, but I could not see the truth for a very long time; it was never about me; it was a projection of himself and his fears, so I carried the baggage of 2.
As hard as it is to accept; he never loved me. It wasn’t because I was unlovable, undesirable or not loving; it’s because he’s incapable of giving love; of having empathy or compassion and what I thought was love was just a facade. His heart is surrounded in darkness and that will never change; he will put on a new mask and move onto the next victim and the next draining each one of life until they have the energy and strength to leave. An emotional vampire is a miserable vile creature who survives on our fears, weakness and nurturing nature. Never blame yourself or look back at what you should have/could have done, none of it would have worked.
