Hope

The definition of hope “To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.” Most people will tell you “never let go of hope,” but when you’ve been involved with a narcissist the only way you’ll ever set yourself free is to learn to let go of hope. I held onto hope for 10 years and by the 14 year I began to sever the ties that bound me to this person and by the 15th year I was free.

Initially, as I began to let go of hope his iron fisted grasp got tighter, but in contrast I was also getting stronger. I never thought “hope” a mere one syllable word could hold so much power over me. As long as I held onto hope it kept me paralyzed, blinded and trapped in his reality, yet letting go of hope gave me the opposite freedom; what a strange parallel. To the outside world we looked like the perfect couple and when a child came into the picture we looked like the perfect family. It was a facade like everything else in his life. Nobody knew what was really happening behind closed doors.

When you leave a narcissist; they wipe you from memory, you no longer exist, and your history is rewritten to explain your departure. For a narcissist once they repeat the story out loud or in their head it becomes truth for them. A narcissist will never see their true reflection, so they project it onto you.

The hardest part about letting go of hope and moving forward is the journey of finding and reclaiming the parts of you that were lost. I feel like humpty dumpty who fell off a wall and could not be placed together as he was before. I was picked apart piece by piece and it will take time and work to piece myself back together again and be the whole person I once was. Never again will I be a fragile egg sitting on the edge, now I will keep my feet firmly planted into the ground.