The
fairy tale was short; not even quite a year. The nightmare was a long 15
years.
The courtship phase was wonderful; he was everything I wanted; it was intense and quick; we were married within 6 months. I didn't have time to think; I was so wrapped up in the whirlwind of what he wanted me to feel and see; it felt good and I was so happy, but I was caught in a web of illusion and I couldn't see past the facade. I shared all of my fears and joy with him and he stored all of this information, but not for love. It was like a weapon and he already had the gun; my feelings and experiences were just the ammo he loaded it with; he slowly pulled the trigger over and over until I could barely get up anymore. I thought I was dead, but I wasn't; I was just slowly drowning within his world. Before him I used to walk on clouds; then I walked on eggshells. I always laughed even was I was sad; then my laughter was nothing but tears. I always expressed my feelings; then I was silent. I sometimes wished he would just finish the job, not because I wanted to die; I just wanted the pain to end. I felt like the life was being drained out of me; like the fly paralyzed in the spiders web and I didn't know how to make him stop; I was afraid of both my own fears and of him.
I’d never met someone who had so much contempt and hate for everyone. I would watch him put on a different mask for the many roles he played; co-worker, friend and family member, but all the while he was smiling, laughing and praising them to their face he would later tell me behind there backs just how much disdain he had for them; he pointed out there character flaws; put them down; made fun of them; he always put himself above everyone. I asked myself what role was I serving in his game. Was it because he had broken me that he could share this hatred without fear? I guess I was safe; who was I going to tell; who would believe me.
The courtship phase was wonderful; he was everything I wanted; it was intense and quick; we were married within 6 months. I didn't have time to think; I was so wrapped up in the whirlwind of what he wanted me to feel and see; it felt good and I was so happy, but I was caught in a web of illusion and I couldn't see past the facade. I shared all of my fears and joy with him and he stored all of this information, but not for love. It was like a weapon and he already had the gun; my feelings and experiences were just the ammo he loaded it with; he slowly pulled the trigger over and over until I could barely get up anymore. I thought I was dead, but I wasn't; I was just slowly drowning within his world. Before him I used to walk on clouds; then I walked on eggshells. I always laughed even was I was sad; then my laughter was nothing but tears. I always expressed my feelings; then I was silent. I sometimes wished he would just finish the job, not because I wanted to die; I just wanted the pain to end. I felt like the life was being drained out of me; like the fly paralyzed in the spiders web and I didn't know how to make him stop; I was afraid of both my own fears and of him.
I’d never met someone who had so much contempt and hate for everyone. I would watch him put on a different mask for the many roles he played; co-worker, friend and family member, but all the while he was smiling, laughing and praising them to their face he would later tell me behind there backs just how much disdain he had for them; he pointed out there character flaws; put them down; made fun of them; he always put himself above everyone. I asked myself what role was I serving in his game. Was it because he had broken me that he could share this hatred without fear? I guess I was safe; who was I going to tell; who would believe me.
It took me almost 10 years to figure out the one rule in his game; he always had to win. I was to serve and never question his authority. After all he constantly told me how naive and inexperienced I was; that I must believe that everything he said to me about our relationship is true, and so I adhered to his rule. I thought this was true for many years. I was supposed to believe that his abuse had stopped when he said it had stopped, regardless of what I saw in front of my own eyes. Whenever he was about to lose me he would use individual therapy for a brief time to pacify me, but his real goal was how to manage my “crazy out of control behavior” the key term of how he has always described me. But his expression “crazy out of control” is only a code phrase for any way in which I stood up to him, expressed what angered, hurt and caused me pain.
No, I’m not a psycho crazy bipolar bitch; I was just married to a narcissist and this is his ending to the fairy tale as to why the princess dumped her prince charming.
No comments:
Post a Comment