Passive Agressive

The definition of a passive aggressive personality is “A personality disorder in which aggressive feelings are manifested in passive ways, especially through stubbornness, procrastination, and inefficiency so as to resist adequate social and occupational performance.” My first experience with passive aggressive behavior was with my ex husband who was clinically diagnosed as a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have always associated that behavior with a narcissist. I did not know that passive aggressive behavior can be a disorder all on its own. The difference with a narcissist and a person with passive aggressive disorder is that the narcissist knows what they are doing and the passive/aggressive person does not. This does not excuse the behavior because both are very abusive whether they know what they are doing or not. 

I believe my daughter is passive aggressive. I feared she was narcissist because the way she treats and interacts is so parallel with the way my narcissistic ex treated me, but she has empathy and compassion so how could she be a narcissist. I ended a friendship a while ago because it was toxic and I even used the words passive aggressive to describe it, in my head I still associated it with narcissism and I knew she was not a narcissist. The conversations with my sister regarding her boyfriend’s behavior were the key to my understanding of passive aggressive disorder. My sister’s description of her boyfriend was very narcissistic from my experiences, yet my sister also described a very loving, gentle and giving man; how could he be both? I started to research passive aggressive behavior outside of a narcissistic personality disorder and learned it’s a disorder all on its own. When I shared the information with my sister it helped her understand his behavior although it did not save the relationship. It allowed her to let it go emotionally, because she realized it was not going to change and it was unhealthy for her to stay. 

There is no cure or treatment for narcissism, you can’t teach someone to have empathy and compassion other than to mimic it. Passive aggressive disorder on the other hand can be treated and cured, but the individual has to want to get help; directly or indirectly. They have to learn how to deal with anger in more healthy ways and address and change the way they react. I believe my daughter’s experience growing up in a home with abuse that she has developed ways of avoiding feeling or confronting her anger. She does not know how to talk about conflicts, frustrations, hostility and anything else she thinks is unfair. Our home environment while I was married was one where we walked on eggshells, we both were not allowed to communicate our anger without retaliation and only he was allowed to rage at us and we were to remain silent; both our voices silenced and paralyzed.

The common denominator between a narcissist and the passive aggressive is that they use bullying tactics both covert and overt to control, manipulate, divert, project, blame and to gain power over. The problem I’m having with a passive aggressive child is how it is affecting my life. “Bullying is not limited to physical violence. It is a prolonged pattern of negative and repeated behaviors that overwhelm the target, degrading him or her to the point of powerlessness. It is an imbalance of power that, over time, wears down the intended target.” 

I'm at my wits end. I desperately want my daughter in therapy and when I reached out to my ex husband (narcissist) as a last resort for support it was just an opportunity for him to prove once again that his hate for me is stronger than his love for her.