Cycle of Abuse

I know how abuse affects children because I grew up with it. I’m 50 and I still remember vividly when my dad and mother would fight. It always took place in the kitchen in front of the refrigerator; why, I don’t know. My mother would be frustrated trying to communicate with my father and he would be threatening her with anything and everything then it would always end with the lunge and him choking her. My sister and I would always be standing behind my mother screaming for them to stop, but our cries were never heard. We would run into the living room and go the window on the left side of the fireplace; open it and both in sync on a 1, 2, 3, count we’d scream over and over until we couldn’t scream anymore. I don’t know how many times a week it happened, because it always began and ended the same except for the one time when my dad through a glass at my mom; she ducked and it hit me in the forehead; I still bear the memory just like the scar. I always remember the hurt, pain, and humiliation my mother felt with his affairs; which he didn’t even try to hide. One time we were having a barbeque at our house with neighbors and friends; his latest woman came to our home in a taxi; she sent in one of her two children to get my dad; he went out to the street with the boy and got into the taxi and left with her. My mom hid her pain until after the barbecue and continued on like the trooper she was. He didn’t come back until the next day; he never had remorse or even an apology for humiliating her like that.

I always swore I’d never marry someone like my father and I didn’t. I married someone far worse. My dad was overt with his abuse; it was easy to see and identify, but my ex was covert; I didn’t realize what I was in until I was too deep; emotionally, financially, and time. I didn’t always understand why my mom tolerated it; why she married him; why she hated him, but after 15 ½ years of walking in her shoes I understood exactly what emotional, verbal, and physical abuse feels like. I never thought I’d ever be in my mom’s shoes, because I was too smart, but the imprint from childhood already marked me for my future relationship.

My daughter has witnessed and reacted just as I did as a child at seeing her mother being abused. On July 11th, 2004 my ex and I were arguing about his porn addiction. I had a glass of water in my hand and held it to my head; when you lived with a narcissistic personality disorder trying to communicate makes your head feel like it’s going to explode. The glass slipped out of my hand and broke and that sent my ex into a blind rage. I was standing in our family room near the kitchen door and when he got up from our futon couch he came at me full force; shoving me so hard that I landed in the kitchen. I had just gotten off crutches a few days before after a knee surgery, so protecting my knee was in my mind. I landed on the ceramic tile floor; my head hitting the tile first and my left hand tucked under my left knee. I ended up having a fractured head and broken hand. The worst part was my daughter watched the whole thing. She saw me screaming in pain and when she went to try to help me up off the kitchen floor; her dad still in a rage yelled at her to get away from your mom she’s just f@%king faking. Most of the abuse to this point was physical intimidation; he would throw me, raise his fist to punch me, and corner me in the bathroom and not allow me to exit. Abuse can escalate and it did in my case. Once I got up still in shock and hysterical; I went into our spare bedroom and called my sister, but she wasn’t home, so I called my father in tears and told him what he did. This scared my ex because if I was telling family who else would I tell. He went into self-preservation mode and begged me not tell anyone else; worried about his career not me; saying how it was an accident and he would never do anything to hurt me again. I didn’t go to the doctor until the next day for my hand and head and lied to the physician saying I slipped, because military doctors don’t have to follow the same protocol as civilian in the sense of patient confidentiality. I also scheduled an intake appointment with the local domestic violence support system. That week he was so kind and nice, so I cancelled my intake appointment. Things were good for a while; the honeymoon period, but it was sliding right back to the way it always was. My daughter had just started the 2nd grade and we were called in to her school by her teacher; she was having behavioral problems, hitting, talking back, not listening, and anger issues; something that was not the norm for her. I thought maybe it was ADD/ADHD, no, it was seeing what happened to me and I didn’t realize how it had traumatized her. How I could I see; I didn’t realize how what I witnessed as a child affected me until I was in my 40’s. I found my daughter a therapist to help her with the trauma and I made another intake appointment with the DV support system and this opened many new doors for me; in understanding how his behavior was affecting my daughter and myself; it also gave me a vocabulary to describe and define his abusive behavior. From that point I outlined a plan to get away safely. That plan took me longer than I wanted; 5 years, but my daughter and I got out and I have never regretted leaving; I just wish I would have had the strength to do it sooner.

I carry a lot of guilt and shame for what I tolerated in my marriage; just like my mother. Although, the difference between my mother and I is that I had more education and support systems to help me survive than she had. I also, don’t want to hold onto the pain and hurt, because that’s something that imprisoned my mother; it froze her emotionally. I want to be the last generation of abused women in my family. I’m giving my daughter the tools that I didn’t have growing up, so she can end this cycle.

Revelations After Divorce

I thought when I divorced my exN (narcissist) I would be free of his tyranny, but I was wrong. When you have child/children with a narcissist the connection is not severed with divorce; it continues and so does the abuse until the child is of legal age and you are free to permanently cut all ties. Although, I’ve set boundaries in the way he can communicate with me, it still doesn’t thwart his email threats and attacks. I no longer fear him; he’s nothing more than a playground bully. He’s like the “Wolf” in the “Three Little Pigs,” always threatening to blow my house down if I don’t comply with his command. Over time I’ve learned my house is not made of straw or sticks, but it is made of brick so all of his threats and verbal abuse just bounce off instead of penetrating the wall. You have to protect yourself from the big bad wolf; you need to wear a thick shield of armor, because he will continue to spew his poisonous wrath onto you until you no longer allow it to get under your skin.

When I left my exN I only took my personal belongings; clothes, art supplies/my paintings, sentimental items, and 2 lamps; at a later date before the divorce was final I asked for 2 rugs and my daughter’s bedroom furniture. I realized before I left that everything material that I had accumulated during the marriage wasn’t worth my safety in both body and mind. I remember a woman in my domestic violence support group who said “it’s just stuff and you can get more stuff” those words stuck with me until the day I left. Divorce is never easy and a divorce with a narcissist is like a never ending hate crime against you. A hate crime is usually defined by law as one that involves threats, harassment, or physical harm which is motivated by prejudice, race, color, religion, or ethnicity, but for a narcissist his hate is directed towards you because you’ve peeled away the layers and unmasked the wolf in sheep’s clothing so, he must destroy you to hide his secret. A narcissist fears exposure more than anything else. He is so adept at hiding behind the many masks he wears to shield his true self and when he is exposed and he feels vulnerable; he becomes like an animal cornered and he attacks. Exposure for a narcissist is like in the Greek mythology story of Medusa and if he were forced to gaze upon himself in a mirror; he would see the monster he really is and turn to stone. If he could be honest with himself he would have to initiate and look at the truth that his mask conceals him from seeing, but a narcissist will protect himself at all cost from seeing the truth.

In many ways I pity the narcissist, he is like “Gollum” the pathetic creature from "Lord of the Rings." Gollum is consumed by the ring like a narcissist is consumed by fear; fear of losing his narcissistic supply. Gollum like a narcissist is the inversion of a human being; trapped in a self-contained darkness for which there is no hope of change. I will never forget or forgive the things he has done to me, because those are my life learned lessons. I do choose to forgive him and that forgiveness is for myself, because I feel by not forgiving him I will hold myself a prisoner of my experiences. A narcissist isn’t worth the time and energy it would take to hate or loathe him. He is like the Grinch "Who Stole Christmas" he's a bitter creature whose heart is two sizes too small and I know his heart will never be touched and it will never grow three sizes larger.

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

You come to realize that co-parenting with a narcissist is a wishful fantasy and that fantasy will dispel quite quickly after divorce. I naively thought with a little distance and time we could have an amicable relationship regarding our daughter. I quickly realized that was never going to happen; just wishful thinking on my part. To him I committed an act of treason by leaving him and my retributive punishment is trying to take the one thing that means most to me, my child.

During the marriage he never supported me as a part of a parent team. Anytime I laid down some form of punishment for our daughter’s bad behavior (timeout or losing an object and/or privilege); instead of supporting me he would look at our daughter and say “I don’t agree with your mother.” What kind message did that send to our child? Basically, it told our child that my voice didn’t matter and she didn’t have to listen to me. He constantly eroded at my character with our daughter by telling her since her memory serves her that I was a bad parent, crazy, loser, that I never wanted her and many other derogatory names. He knowingly was trying to alienate and sabotage my relationship with our daughter. Now, after being divorced for almost 4 years, it hasn’t stopped. Every time she visits, he constantly belittles and berates me to our child. What he doesn’t realize is he’s destroying any relationship he will have with his daughter in the future. As she said in her own words “She’s slowly disconnecting herself from her father.” I think she’s watched him for far too many years portray himself to the general public as a friendly, caring and nice person, but behind closed doors she has witnessed something else. He is the master at lying, manipulative, deceitful, and his only purpose is to hurt others to get what he wants and he will sacrifice anyone including her to save face. I think our daughter has learned the hard way that what she wants has never been important to him; he only cares about the outward perception. It’s hard to watch what he does and only offer support and unconditional love; forced to bite my lip as not to say anything that could be construed as negative in regards to her father. I will not play his parental alienation game and my only concern is what’s in the best interest of our child. My daughter has had to mature faster emotionally than most children because of abuse and it’s not right and I can’t change it, but I can give her as many life tools as I can so that she isn’t left permanently scarred by her father.

You don’t co-parent with a narcissist. I learned the hard way that you can’t communicate with them, it’s like pounding your head against a brick wall which will only leave you upset, frustrated and with a large headache. They will try to provoke you at every turn and I've just learned to take the punches without retaliation. The only thing you can do is set your personal boundaries even though he will not respect them; it’s for you. I've learned to limit communication to email and texting. I've learned not to react to his threats and attacks. I will admit I have on occasion reacted and learned very quickly that it will only leave you with the short end of the stick. I've come to terms knowing he will not change and it will never get any easier; I just hold on to the fact that in 3 more years my daughter will be 18 and my legal responsibility to him in regards to shared custody is done and seeing that light at the end of the tunnel is what keeps me silent most of the time.

Healing

Abuse is a vicious circle that entraps the victim; only through education, support and true understanding can a woman find the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship and never look back.

Domestic violence is about Power and Control. The abuser needs and wants that control to feel self-worth. No matter what persona an abuser may show the world, they have very low self-esteem. This seems to be a fact that confuses many people. Abusers will put on such performances, making everyone think they are these wonderful people that lead normal lives. It's almost like a split personality, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Only their victim knows the terrifying, abusive side of them. The Power and Control they exert over their victim actually makes them feel a false sense of self-worth.

It took me a long time to realize I was being abused. I thought only physical violence is abuse and this was so far from the truth. Verbal and emotional abuse can be every bit as traumatic as physical abuse. Bruises and even broken bones will heal in a certain amount of time (and abuse does escalate as the victim tries to take her power back as I did), the injuries to your spirit and heart will most often take a lot longer to heal. Healing of your emotional well-being has no set time for recovery; every person's healing process for this is different. The lingering effects of abuse on the survivor and her child/children can sometimes take years to heal.

The one thing that seems to affect the healing process more than anything is our own individual feelings. If you have a positive outlook on things and keep pushing the negative out of your mind, it can make a huge difference. If you feel good about yourself, knowing you are not perfect and that no one is meant to be... Knowing you are not at fault, that the ONLY person's behavior you can control is your own. In other words, if you think like a Survivor rather than a victim, you will be a Survivor!

Change is not always easy; it can be extremely difficult at times. But, compared to living in an abusive relationship, freedom is a whole lot better than walking on eggshells, waiting for that next episode of violence, trying to figure out what to do to fix everything; when the problems are not yours to fix, to begin with. These feelings along with so many others make life without abuse much easier to deal with. It is your life and you have the choice of what you make of it. It becomes your choice and no one else's.

It is a daily struggle to overcome abuse and its effects. It is hard to sort through all of the different feelings that come out as you begin to heal. It is important to tell your story and find people who will listen and not pass judgments on you; what we have been through; or what we may be still be going through.

So Many Questions

What is abuse? I've always been told by my abuser that my abuse was nothing more than an exaggerated figment of my imagination. Yet why does our child fear her father? Why is she afraid to speak her truth? Why is my story the same as every other woman who’s been in an abusive relationship? The only difference between me and the next woman who has fallen prey to an abuser is the mask that their abuser hides behind to protect his secret. Why did we protect them? Why did we fear them? Why did we love them? Why did I not have the strength to fight and scream? Ah, but I did and it fell on deaf ears, because the mask he wore hid his true persona very well. Only a few dared pull back the 1st layer of the mask and see the monster he really was. What took me a long time to realize was our relationship was a game to him and I was just a mere pawn. If I ever questioned his behavior I was constantly told I was “crazy” and “out of control” and he eroded away who I was. He constantly reminded me I was weak, stupid, a loser, and a nothing, these words were used to break my spirit, confidence, and question myself. I fell into an abyss; I was trapped in his world of darkness. I was right where my abuser wanted me to be stranded. I didn’t want to die a slow emotional death; I had to let go of the fear that paralyzed me from leaving this isolated abyss within his world. When I let go of the fear I took back my strength and power over myself. It was not just courage and outside support that lead me to finding my way out and back to the light, but it was learning to love, accept, and forgive myself. I have escaped forever and am no longer trapped in that dark lair that my abuser resides to hide and mask his own fears. I no longer carry his burden on my shoulders; he will find a new soul to possess and project his self loathing, fear, and hate onto them.

Once a liar always a liar

Without trust no relationship can thrive. I felt his lying is a result of deep flaws of his character that he masks by great protestations of loyalty, love, devotion and even acts of courage. But I think over time it just reveals his true nature, and the point of no return has passed.

He lied to me from the beginning our marriage. I never understood for a long time why he continually lied; even about insignificant small stuff that made you wonder and question why he put so much time and energy in the pursuit of this little lie. Pathological lying is just one of the traits of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and yet, I still find it hard to comprehend why he does what he does. I will never understand why it is so important to him that the lie he lives allows others see him as a good person yet, he does not care about the ones he says he loves, and when he batters them; he does not care how they perceive him.

In every lie I caught him in he would always attach “if we cannot discuss this and you do don’t believe me, then you don’t love me” a seemingly crazy making game. Like always he kept up with the pretense of believing his lie which perhaps contained an ounce of truth to add validity, and if that didn’t work he just continued to lie further. What always perplexed me the most is that once he was caught in the lie instead of just telling the truth and yes, I would have been upset in most cases (justly so), he would just act like a martyr and take a righteous stance and hold fiercely to his lie. He just didn’t get that telling the truth would have been the first step in rebuilding trust with me, but I now realize he could have never been truthful; it’s something that is not ingrained into his character.