So Many Questions

What is abuse? I've always been told by my abuser that my abuse was nothing more than an exaggerated figment of my imagination. Yet why does our child fear her father? Why is she afraid to speak her truth? Why is my story the same as every other woman who’s been in an abusive relationship? The only difference between me and the next woman who has fallen prey to an abuser is the mask that their abuser hides behind to protect his secret. Why did we protect them? Why did we fear them? Why did we love them? Why did I not have the strength to fight and scream? Ah, but I did and it fell on deaf ears, because the mask he wore hid his true persona very well. Only a few dared pull back the 1st layer of the mask and see the monster he really was. What took me a long time to realize was our relationship was a game to him and I was just a mere pawn. If I ever questioned his behavior I was constantly told I was “crazy” and “out of control” and he eroded away who I was. He constantly reminded me I was weak, stupid, a loser, and a nothing, these words were used to break my spirit, confidence, and question myself. I fell into an abyss; I was trapped in his world of darkness. I was right where my abuser wanted me to be stranded. I didn’t want to die a slow emotional death; I had to let go of the fear that paralyzed me from leaving this isolated abyss within his world. When I let go of the fear I took back my strength and power over myself. It was not just courage and outside support that lead me to finding my way out and back to the light, but it was learning to love, accept, and forgive myself. I have escaped forever and am no longer trapped in that dark lair that my abuser resides to hide and mask his own fears. I no longer carry his burden on my shoulders; he will find a new soul to possess and project his self loathing, fear, and hate onto them.