The definition of hope “To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.” Most people will tell you “never let go of hope,” but when you’ve been involved with a narcissist the only way you’ll ever set yourself free is to learn to let go of hope. I held onto hope for 10 years and by the 14 year I began to sever the ties that bound me to this person and by the 15th year I was free.
Initially, as I began to let go of hope his iron fisted grasp got tighter, but in contrast I was also getting stronger. I never thought “hope” a mere one syllable word could hold so much power over me. As long as I held onto hope it kept me paralyzed, blinded and trapped in his reality, yet letting go of hope gave me the opposite freedom; what a strange parallel. To the outside world we looked like the perfect couple and when a child came into the picture we looked like the perfect family. It was a facade like everything else in his life. Nobody knew what was really happening behind closed doors.
When you leave a narcissist; they wipe you from memory, you no longer exist, and your history is rewritten to explain your departure. For a narcissist once they repeat the story out loud or in their head it becomes truth for them. A narcissist will never see their true reflection, so they project it onto you.
The hardest part about letting go of hope and moving forward is the journey of finding and reclaiming the parts of you that were lost. I feel like humpty dumpty who fell off a wall and could not be placed together as he was before. I was picked apart piece by piece and it will take time and work to piece myself back together again and be the whole person I once was. Never again will I be a fragile egg sitting on the edge, now I will keep my feet firmly planted into the ground.
Almost every email I receive from my ex he labels me an unfit parent. It's interesting an abuser labels the healthy parent as unfit. Does a fit parent corner his daughter in a basement scare her to death with his voice tone and the use his body to physically intimidate her? Does a fit parent continually tell his child since memory serves her that her mother is crazy, she never wanted you, she's a loser, and many other negative terms that fall into the same categorization? Does a fit parent send his child forwarded copies of the email he originally sends you which are full of the usual negative rhetoric and laced with personal attacks and put-downs? Why has my daughter taken on the role of protector for his 3 youngest stepchildren. She says she will do anything to help them especially the one that he seems to have zoned in on as his primary target. This scares me to death, because it puts my daughter in the direct line of fire. He has broken my hand and fractured my head, so physical violence is possible when he goes into a rage. Over the past year she has begun defying him and what that really means is she's standing up for her opinions, ideas, beliefs, and thoughts; she is setting boundaries, but as I have experienced you don't do that with a narcissist without repercussions.
Am I a perfect parent? No! I'm a very good parent. I've always told my daughter I'm a parent in training, because learning is never done and I'm continually growing right along with my daughter. My daughter is a beautiful, bright, strong, and articulate child; she has witnessed and experienced things in dealing with a narcissistic parent that I wish I could change, but I can't. The only thing I can do for her is give unconditional love, support, and always be there for her. To give her the tools that I never had or wasn't taught and hope she'll be a thriver and not just a survivor.
I was married to a monster of sorts at least that’s how my child always refers to her father’s angry face; when he get’s that face you’d better run and hide because when he’s in a blind rage and teeth are snarling he’ll eat you alive. His words are sharp and piercing like a knife that cuts to the bone. There’s no one in the end to save you but yourself.
I always wanted to know where the man I married went; he didn’t disappear he never existed. He studied me; listened to me and became what I wanted in a partner; these skills were the tools and weapons he gathered and would use later in the game. He believed what I believed, loved what I loved, I was perfect in his eyes and could do no wrong; the chameleon. That was the man I fell in love with, but that’s not who he was; that was the emotional con. After we were married things changed and I could do nothing right; it was always my fault; I tried so hard to change what he said was wrong with me. I thought if I did this or that; never speak or express how I felt; always did things his way; asked for nothing then maybe he would love me again, but I could not see the truth for a very long time; it was never about me; it was a projection of himself and his fears, so I carried the baggage of 2.
As hard as it is to accept; he never loved me. It wasn’t because I was unlovable, undesirable or not loving; it’s because he’s incapable of giving love; of having empathy or compassion and what I thought was love was just a facade. His heart is surrounded in darkness and that will never change; he will put on a new mask and move onto the next victim and the next draining each one of life until they have the energy and strength to leave. An emotional vampire is a miserable vile creature who survives on our fears, weakness and nurturing nature. Never blame yourself or look back at what you should have/could have done, none of it would have worked.
