The Scorpion and the Frog

I always tried to rationalize why he did the things he did.  I constantly asked myself why couldn't he stop and why could he not see how he was hurting the person he claimed to love?  I tried to change every inch of myself inside and out so I didn't have any more flaws for him to dissect even though he always found more and continued picking me apart with his magnifying glass.  I think of all of the work I put into trying to make him happy hoping if I pleased him it would stop, but I only lost myself in the process.  All of this didn't matter, because it was never about me nor was it personal, it was just in his nature.  The Aesop fable of the “The Scorpion and the Frog” outlines the narcissists thinking so perfectly and I know now it didn't matter what I did or how I did it, the outcome would have always been the same.  “Once upon a time there was a scorpion who wanted to get across the lake. Once day he came upon a frog. He asked the frog if the frog would be willing to swim across the lake while the scorpion rode upon his back. The frog replied, "I am sorry Mr. Scorpion, I cannot do that because you will sting me and we will both drown." The scorpion replied, "I give you my word, I promise not to sting you, I just want to get across this lake. Besides that would be stupid to do that!" So the kind hearted frog trusted the scorpion. The scorpion crawled on his back and the frog began to swim. When they got half way across the lake the scorpion stung him viciously in the back. The frog, now mortally wounded, screamed out crying: "Why did you do that? Don't you realize that now we are both going to die and drown in the lake?" The scorpion responded, "Yes I know, but I could not help it... IT IS IN MY NATURE"

I wish in hind sight I would have paid more attention to this fable perhaps I would have trusted my instinct rather than trust a narcissist’s promise which are also not in their nature to keep. The narcissist in my life was as toxic and poisonous as the scorpion and I kept falling for his promise that he wouldn't do it again, yet every time we reached the middle of the lake he would sting me and its funny how I still felt surprised every time until I grew old and wise and no longer trusted the scorpion in my life.

Closure

One definition of CLOSURE is “A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.” Closure is one of the most important steps in your own healing with the ending of a relationship. Closure gives one a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending.” Unfortunately, you are never granted this opportunity when you are/were involved in a narcissistic relationship. Closure for a survivor is waking up from one of the most painful nightmares and realizing that you never meant anything to this man or woman. You’re caught in an emotional crossfire with yourself reflecting on all of the years you’ve spent with and loved this person, but realizing you never had any meaning in the narcissist’s life. This is the hardest part to accept and why closure and moving forward is often difficult and delayed. It is hard to fathom that a person could do this to you and have no remorse or regret, in fact when you or they leave, they rewrite history to justify their behavior and if children aren’t involved they simply write you out of the story entirely. In the end after all they have denied you in the relationship they even try to deny you one last thing "your own reality." People wonder why it’s hard for a survivor to pick up the pieces and just jump back into life all bushy tailed and bright eyed but when you have been broken and shattered into a million pieces it's not really that big of a surprise. To glue a million pieces back together takes time and patience and remember "Rome wasn't built in a day."

Good Memories

A person once said to me after 15 ½ years of marriage there must have been some good memories; the only good memories were the ones I created by not rocking the boat, walking on eggshells, remaining silent, being a good little girl and following the script exactly the way he wanted it to go. The best memory I have is the day I left and never went back. I could finally breath and the burden of what I had been living in was lifted from my shoulders and the possibility of a new life free of abuse was within my reach. It was the hardest step, but one I had to take in order to move forward. The four years since I left haven’t been easy; still get bouts of PTSD. I’ve made mistakes and bad choices along the way, but it’s all okay because I’m in the driver’s seat; I decide when to brake and when to go; I don’t like to parallel park, so I don’t. I have the keys and I don’t have to let anyone else drive unless it’s my choice.

My daughter shares all of the things he says about those good memories and sometimes I wish she wouldn’t share them with me, but on the other hand it reminds of exactly who I was married to. Listening as he dissects and picks me apart piece by piece; devaluing and attempting to annihilate me as a person all because I know what’s behind the mask; the narcissist worst fear is exposure. His words use to ring loudly in my ears, now they’re just an annoying whisper and eventually they will fade altogether. He attempts to poison our child against me, but all he really is doing is sabotaging any future relationship with her. Some of his phrases are new and some he’s used on her since her memory has served her. “Your mother and I hated each other from the beginning.” So, if this was true, why did we get married? “Your mother never wanted you.” This was his continued attempt at parental alienation. “Your mother is crazy.” Only while I was married to him! LOL “Your mother lives in her own reality.” Just another way of him indicating I’m crazy. “Your mother only prepared cheap and easy meals.” Yes, that’s why I used to spend 2 hours every Sunday morning preparing my menu for the week. It’s a shame but our daughter has come to the realization that her dad hates me more than he loves her.

He resented anything I did for myself because that made me selfish…..and in the last 3 years of marriage when I was being selfish a.k.a. doing things I enjoyed on his time that’s exactly what he would throw in my face when he’d blow up. How dare I go to church on Sunday? How dare I spend my Saturday’s working on an art project while I was attending college? How dare I attend my weekly support group for domestic violence (he always referred to it as my man haters group) every Wednesday evening and thus forcing him to prepare a meal. You see I was doing things for me and they were taking from his time. There was an unwritten rule that I was allowed to do things outside of him but only while he was at work; all other times I was to be at his beck and call; he even tried to control what time I went to bed. I was not allowed to have a life outside of him. When you’re married to a narcissist he becomes your jailer and you even help him unknowingly put up the bars that imprison you with him. It is only until you realize that you are a prisoner and unshackle the chains of fear that have kept you imprisoned then you are truly able to be free. It’s not quite as simple as that, but it’s where your change begins.

I have to remember according to him I’m crazy, bipolar, and I live in my own reality and I’ve made this all up, if only that were true. Four years in a support group for domestic violence taught me my memories are quite real and all too familiar with the other survivors in my group.

The Narcissist and his Scripted Illusion

A narcissist puts so much time, effort and energy into fostering the illusion they present to the public, yet they apply nothing towards their own family in reality. The illusion is a farce and it seems the more they perpetuate this image the more they believe their own hype.

The plot in which the narcissist stars is very well planned. He uses the screenplay to skillfully manipulate and exploit the key characters (his family). The family’s parts are only significant in that they serve to promote how wonderful he is so that he may shine and bask in the applause of his adoring audience “the public.” Behind the scenes though lurks another story, but that one will never be written into the script, because it is not the idyllic “Leave it to Beaver family,” but a horror story in which the family lives in his version of “The Stepford Wives.” They must be submissive and docile and if they break from their assigned passive characters there will be repercussions for defying him and he will protect and preserve the illusion at all cost. You can’t have “Prince Charming” act like “Darth Vader” and get the audiences sympathy can you? Eventually the insignificant key characters (his family) no longer want to be confined to playing the two-dimensional characters that they have been locked into. They desire for their roles to be more true to life rather than tightly scripted. Well, the narcissist can’t have the mask of the main character tainted with there lies and jealously so, the narcissist is forced to terminate their contracts and then he replaces them with new players who hopefully will be more grateful for a chance to work under him and follow the dam script just as he has written it.

Codependency

I despise the term codependency. This term is often used in marriage counseling towards the target (partner) of an abuser/batterer and she is defined as having excessive emotional or psychological reliance on her batterer. By using this term the therapist shifts the blame for abuse to be shared equally between the 2 partners. Therapists are taught to be a referee; to navigate and keep the lines of communication between the couple open and fair; to help them hear each other’s grievances and respond with understanding and sincerity. Unfortunately that only works with a healthy relationship that is having difficulty communicating. When you are in a relationship with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and you are asked to share in the blame for your own abuse; you leave therapy not only being labeled as a codependent, but also burdening you with more abuse not only from your abuser, but also from your therapist. Now, once again you are being told that it is you who must change to make the relationship work and isn’t that what your abuser has told you all along?

Abuse is a choice and you do not share in the responsibility for your abusers choice. This is why Domestic Violence Support Groups never recommend marriage counseling because your batterer will only use it to manipulate the therapist and put the blame on you. The correct label rather than codependency would be Traumatic Bonding or Stockholm’s Syndrome which are much more accurate terms in the attachment to the relationship with a narcissist.

Cycle of Abuse

I know how abuse affects children because I grew up with it. I’m 50 and I still remember vividly when my dad and mother would fight. It always took place in the kitchen in front of the refrigerator; why, I don’t know. My mother would be frustrated trying to communicate with my father and he would be threatening her with anything and everything then it would always end with the lunge and him choking her. My sister and I would always be standing behind my mother screaming for them to stop, but our cries were never heard. We would run into the living room and go the window on the left side of the fireplace; open it and both in sync on a 1, 2, 3, count we’d scream over and over until we couldn’t scream anymore. I don’t know how many times a week it happened, because it always began and ended the same except for the one time when my dad through a glass at my mom; she ducked and it hit me in the forehead; I still bear the memory just like the scar. I always remember the hurt, pain, and humiliation my mother felt with his affairs; which he didn’t even try to hide. One time we were having a barbeque at our house with neighbors and friends; his latest woman came to our home in a taxi; she sent in one of her two children to get my dad; he went out to the street with the boy and got into the taxi and left with her. My mom hid her pain until after the barbecue and continued on like the trooper she was. He didn’t come back until the next day; he never had remorse or even an apology for humiliating her like that.

I always swore I’d never marry someone like my father and I didn’t. I married someone far worse. My dad was overt with his abuse; it was easy to see and identify, but my ex was covert; I didn’t realize what I was in until I was too deep; emotionally, financially, and time. I didn’t always understand why my mom tolerated it; why she married him; why she hated him, but after 15 ½ years of walking in her shoes I understood exactly what emotional, verbal, and physical abuse feels like. I never thought I’d ever be in my mom’s shoes, because I was too smart, but the imprint from childhood already marked me for my future relationship.

My daughter has witnessed and reacted just as I did as a child at seeing her mother being abused. On July 11th, 2004 my ex and I were arguing about his porn addiction. I had a glass of water in my hand and held it to my head; when you lived with a narcissistic personality disorder trying to communicate makes your head feel like it’s going to explode. The glass slipped out of my hand and broke and that sent my ex into a blind rage. I was standing in our family room near the kitchen door and when he got up from our futon couch he came at me full force; shoving me so hard that I landed in the kitchen. I had just gotten off crutches a few days before after a knee surgery, so protecting my knee was in my mind. I landed on the ceramic tile floor; my head hitting the tile first and my left hand tucked under my left knee. I ended up having a fractured head and broken hand. The worst part was my daughter watched the whole thing. She saw me screaming in pain and when she went to try to help me up off the kitchen floor; her dad still in a rage yelled at her to get away from your mom she’s just f@%king faking. Most of the abuse to this point was physical intimidation; he would throw me, raise his fist to punch me, and corner me in the bathroom and not allow me to exit. Abuse can escalate and it did in my case. Once I got up still in shock and hysterical; I went into our spare bedroom and called my sister, but she wasn’t home, so I called my father in tears and told him what he did. This scared my ex because if I was telling family who else would I tell. He went into self-preservation mode and begged me not tell anyone else; worried about his career not me; saying how it was an accident and he would never do anything to hurt me again. I didn’t go to the doctor until the next day for my hand and head and lied to the physician saying I slipped, because military doctors don’t have to follow the same protocol as civilian in the sense of patient confidentiality. I also scheduled an intake appointment with the local domestic violence support system. That week he was so kind and nice, so I cancelled my intake appointment. Things were good for a while; the honeymoon period, but it was sliding right back to the way it always was. My daughter had just started the 2nd grade and we were called in to her school by her teacher; she was having behavioral problems, hitting, talking back, not listening, and anger issues; something that was not the norm for her. I thought maybe it was ADD/ADHD, no, it was seeing what happened to me and I didn’t realize how it had traumatized her. How I could I see; I didn’t realize how what I witnessed as a child affected me until I was in my 40’s. I found my daughter a therapist to help her with the trauma and I made another intake appointment with the DV support system and this opened many new doors for me; in understanding how his behavior was affecting my daughter and myself; it also gave me a vocabulary to describe and define his abusive behavior. From that point I outlined a plan to get away safely. That plan took me longer than I wanted; 5 years, but my daughter and I got out and I have never regretted leaving; I just wish I would have had the strength to do it sooner.

I carry a lot of guilt and shame for what I tolerated in my marriage; just like my mother. Although, the difference between my mother and I is that I had more education and support systems to help me survive than she had. I also, don’t want to hold onto the pain and hurt, because that’s something that imprisoned my mother; it froze her emotionally. I want to be the last generation of abused women in my family. I’m giving my daughter the tools that I didn’t have growing up, so she can end this cycle.

Revelations After Divorce

I thought when I divorced my exN (narcissist) I would be free of his tyranny, but I was wrong. When you have child/children with a narcissist the connection is not severed with divorce; it continues and so does the abuse until the child is of legal age and you are free to permanently cut all ties. Although, I’ve set boundaries in the way he can communicate with me, it still doesn’t thwart his email threats and attacks. I no longer fear him; he’s nothing more than a playground bully. He’s like the “Wolf” in the “Three Little Pigs,” always threatening to blow my house down if I don’t comply with his command. Over time I’ve learned my house is not made of straw or sticks, but it is made of brick so all of his threats and verbal abuse just bounce off instead of penetrating the wall. You have to protect yourself from the big bad wolf; you need to wear a thick shield of armor, because he will continue to spew his poisonous wrath onto you until you no longer allow it to get under your skin.

When I left my exN I only took my personal belongings; clothes, art supplies/my paintings, sentimental items, and 2 lamps; at a later date before the divorce was final I asked for 2 rugs and my daughter’s bedroom furniture. I realized before I left that everything material that I had accumulated during the marriage wasn’t worth my safety in both body and mind. I remember a woman in my domestic violence support group who said “it’s just stuff and you can get more stuff” those words stuck with me until the day I left. Divorce is never easy and a divorce with a narcissist is like a never ending hate crime against you. A hate crime is usually defined by law as one that involves threats, harassment, or physical harm which is motivated by prejudice, race, color, religion, or ethnicity, but for a narcissist his hate is directed towards you because you’ve peeled away the layers and unmasked the wolf in sheep’s clothing so, he must destroy you to hide his secret. A narcissist fears exposure more than anything else. He is so adept at hiding behind the many masks he wears to shield his true self and when he is exposed and he feels vulnerable; he becomes like an animal cornered and he attacks. Exposure for a narcissist is like in the Greek mythology story of Medusa and if he were forced to gaze upon himself in a mirror; he would see the monster he really is and turn to stone. If he could be honest with himself he would have to initiate and look at the truth that his mask conceals him from seeing, but a narcissist will protect himself at all cost from seeing the truth.

In many ways I pity the narcissist, he is like “Gollum” the pathetic creature from "Lord of the Rings." Gollum is consumed by the ring like a narcissist is consumed by fear; fear of losing his narcissistic supply. Gollum like a narcissist is the inversion of a human being; trapped in a self-contained darkness for which there is no hope of change. I will never forget or forgive the things he has done to me, because those are my life learned lessons. I do choose to forgive him and that forgiveness is for myself, because I feel by not forgiving him I will hold myself a prisoner of my experiences. A narcissist isn’t worth the time and energy it would take to hate or loathe him. He is like the Grinch "Who Stole Christmas" he's a bitter creature whose heart is two sizes too small and I know his heart will never be touched and it will never grow three sizes larger.

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

You come to realize that co-parenting with a narcissist is a wishful fantasy and that fantasy will dispel quite quickly after divorce. I naively thought with a little distance and time we could have an amicable relationship regarding our daughter. I quickly realized that was never going to happen; just wishful thinking on my part. To him I committed an act of treason by leaving him and my retributive punishment is trying to take the one thing that means most to me, my child.

During the marriage he never supported me as a part of a parent team. Anytime I laid down some form of punishment for our daughter’s bad behavior (timeout or losing an object and/or privilege); instead of supporting me he would look at our daughter and say “I don’t agree with your mother.” What kind message did that send to our child? Basically, it told our child that my voice didn’t matter and she didn’t have to listen to me. He constantly eroded at my character with our daughter by telling her since her memory serves her that I was a bad parent, crazy, loser, that I never wanted her and many other derogatory names. He knowingly was trying to alienate and sabotage my relationship with our daughter. Now, after being divorced for almost 4 years, it hasn’t stopped. Every time she visits, he constantly belittles and berates me to our child. What he doesn’t realize is he’s destroying any relationship he will have with his daughter in the future. As she said in her own words “She’s slowly disconnecting herself from her father.” I think she’s watched him for far too many years portray himself to the general public as a friendly, caring and nice person, but behind closed doors she has witnessed something else. He is the master at lying, manipulative, deceitful, and his only purpose is to hurt others to get what he wants and he will sacrifice anyone including her to save face. I think our daughter has learned the hard way that what she wants has never been important to him; he only cares about the outward perception. It’s hard to watch what he does and only offer support and unconditional love; forced to bite my lip as not to say anything that could be construed as negative in regards to her father. I will not play his parental alienation game and my only concern is what’s in the best interest of our child. My daughter has had to mature faster emotionally than most children because of abuse and it’s not right and I can’t change it, but I can give her as many life tools as I can so that she isn’t left permanently scarred by her father.

You don’t co-parent with a narcissist. I learned the hard way that you can’t communicate with them, it’s like pounding your head against a brick wall which will only leave you upset, frustrated and with a large headache. They will try to provoke you at every turn and I've just learned to take the punches without retaliation. The only thing you can do is set your personal boundaries even though he will not respect them; it’s for you. I've learned to limit communication to email and texting. I've learned not to react to his threats and attacks. I will admit I have on occasion reacted and learned very quickly that it will only leave you with the short end of the stick. I've come to terms knowing he will not change and it will never get any easier; I just hold on to the fact that in 3 more years my daughter will be 18 and my legal responsibility to him in regards to shared custody is done and seeing that light at the end of the tunnel is what keeps me silent most of the time.

Healing

Abuse is a vicious circle that entraps the victim; only through education, support and true understanding can a woman find the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship and never look back.

Domestic violence is about Power and Control. The abuser needs and wants that control to feel self-worth. No matter what persona an abuser may show the world, they have very low self-esteem. This seems to be a fact that confuses many people. Abusers will put on such performances, making everyone think they are these wonderful people that lead normal lives. It's almost like a split personality, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Only their victim knows the terrifying, abusive side of them. The Power and Control they exert over their victim actually makes them feel a false sense of self-worth.

It took me a long time to realize I was being abused. I thought only physical violence is abuse and this was so far from the truth. Verbal and emotional abuse can be every bit as traumatic as physical abuse. Bruises and even broken bones will heal in a certain amount of time (and abuse does escalate as the victim tries to take her power back as I did), the injuries to your spirit and heart will most often take a lot longer to heal. Healing of your emotional well-being has no set time for recovery; every person's healing process for this is different. The lingering effects of abuse on the survivor and her child/children can sometimes take years to heal.

The one thing that seems to affect the healing process more than anything is our own individual feelings. If you have a positive outlook on things and keep pushing the negative out of your mind, it can make a huge difference. If you feel good about yourself, knowing you are not perfect and that no one is meant to be... Knowing you are not at fault, that the ONLY person's behavior you can control is your own. In other words, if you think like a Survivor rather than a victim, you will be a Survivor!

Change is not always easy; it can be extremely difficult at times. But, compared to living in an abusive relationship, freedom is a whole lot better than walking on eggshells, waiting for that next episode of violence, trying to figure out what to do to fix everything; when the problems are not yours to fix, to begin with. These feelings along with so many others make life without abuse much easier to deal with. It is your life and you have the choice of what you make of it. It becomes your choice and no one else's.

It is a daily struggle to overcome abuse and its effects. It is hard to sort through all of the different feelings that come out as you begin to heal. It is important to tell your story and find people who will listen and not pass judgments on you; what we have been through; or what we may be still be going through.

So Many Questions

What is abuse? I've always been told by my abuser that my abuse was nothing more than an exaggerated figment of my imagination. Yet why does our child fear her father? Why is she afraid to speak her truth? Why is my story the same as every other woman who’s been in an abusive relationship? The only difference between me and the next woman who has fallen prey to an abuser is the mask that their abuser hides behind to protect his secret. Why did we protect them? Why did we fear them? Why did we love them? Why did I not have the strength to fight and scream? Ah, but I did and it fell on deaf ears, because the mask he wore hid his true persona very well. Only a few dared pull back the 1st layer of the mask and see the monster he really was. What took me a long time to realize was our relationship was a game to him and I was just a mere pawn. If I ever questioned his behavior I was constantly told I was “crazy” and “out of control” and he eroded away who I was. He constantly reminded me I was weak, stupid, a loser, and a nothing, these words were used to break my spirit, confidence, and question myself. I fell into an abyss; I was trapped in his world of darkness. I was right where my abuser wanted me to be stranded. I didn’t want to die a slow emotional death; I had to let go of the fear that paralyzed me from leaving this isolated abyss within his world. When I let go of the fear I took back my strength and power over myself. It was not just courage and outside support that lead me to finding my way out and back to the light, but it was learning to love, accept, and forgive myself. I have escaped forever and am no longer trapped in that dark lair that my abuser resides to hide and mask his own fears. I no longer carry his burden on my shoulders; he will find a new soul to possess and project his self loathing, fear, and hate onto them.

Once a liar always a liar

Without trust no relationship can thrive. I felt his lying is a result of deep flaws of his character that he masks by great protestations of loyalty, love, devotion and even acts of courage. But I think over time it just reveals his true nature, and the point of no return has passed.

He lied to me from the beginning our marriage. I never understood for a long time why he continually lied; even about insignificant small stuff that made you wonder and question why he put so much time and energy in the pursuit of this little lie. Pathological lying is just one of the traits of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and yet, I still find it hard to comprehend why he does what he does. I will never understand why it is so important to him that the lie he lives allows others see him as a good person yet, he does not care about the ones he says he loves, and when he batters them; he does not care how they perceive him.

In every lie I caught him in he would always attach “if we cannot discuss this and you do don’t believe me, then you don’t love me” a seemingly crazy making game. Like always he kept up with the pretense of believing his lie which perhaps contained an ounce of truth to add validity, and if that didn’t work he just continued to lie further. What always perplexed me the most is that once he was caught in the lie instead of just telling the truth and yes, I would have been upset in most cases (justly so), he would just act like a martyr and take a righteous stance and hold fiercely to his lie. He just didn’t get that telling the truth would have been the first step in rebuilding trust with me, but I now realize he could have never been truthful; it’s something that is not ingrained into his character.

The Fairy Tale

The fairy tale was short; not even quite a year. The nightmare was a long 15 years.

The courtship phase was wonderful; he was everything I wanted; it was intense and quick; we were married within 6 months. I didn't have time to think; I was so wrapped up in the whirlwind of what he wanted me to feel and see; it felt good and I was so happy, but I was caught in a web of illusion and I couldn't see past the facade. I shared all of my fears and joy with him and he stored all of this information, but not for love. It was like a weapon and he already had the gun; my feelings and experiences were just the ammo he loaded it with; he slowly pulled the trigger over and over until I could barely get up anymore. I thought I was dead, but I wasn't; I was just slowly drowning within his world. Before him I used to walk on clouds; then I walked on eggshells. I always laughed even was I was sad; then my laughter was nothing but tears. I always expressed my feelings; then I was silent. I sometimes wished he would just finish the job, not because I wanted to die; I just wanted the pain to end. I felt like the life was being drained out of me; like the fly paralyzed in the spiders web and I didn't know how to make him stop; I was afraid of both my own fears and of him.

I’d never met someone who had so much contempt and hate for everyone. I would watch him put on a different mask for the many roles he played; co-worker, friend and family member, but all the while he was smiling, laughing and praising them to their face he would later tell me behind there backs just how much disdain he had for them; he pointed out there character flaws; put them down; made fun of them; he always put himself above everyone. I asked myself what role was I serving in his game. Was it because he had broken me that he could share this hatred without fear? I guess I was safe; who was I going to tell; who would believe me.

It took me almost 10 years to figure out the one rule in his game; he always had to win. I was to serve and never question his authority. After all he constantly told me how naive and inexperienced I was; that I must believe that everything he said to me about our relationship is true, and so I adhered to his rule. I thought this was true for many years. I was supposed to believe that his abuse had stopped when he said it had stopped, regardless of what I saw in front of my own eyes. Whenever he was about to lose me he would use individual therapy for a brief time to pacify me, but his real goal was how to manage my “crazy out of control behavior” the key term of how  he has always described me. But his expression “crazy out of control” is only a code phrase for any way in which I stood up to him, expressed what angered, hurt and caused me pain.

No, I’m not a psycho crazy bipolar bitch; I was just married to a narcissist and this is his ending to the fairy tale as to why the princess dumped her prince charming.