Healing

Abuse is a vicious circle that entraps the victim; only through education, support and true understanding can a woman find the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship and never look back.

Domestic violence is about Power and Control. The abuser needs and wants that control to feel self-worth. No matter what persona an abuser may show the world, they have very low self-esteem. This seems to be a fact that confuses many people. Abusers will put on such performances, making everyone think they are these wonderful people that lead normal lives. It's almost like a split personality, a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Only their victim knows the terrifying, abusive side of them. The Power and Control they exert over their victim actually makes them feel a false sense of self-worth.

It took me a long time to realize I was being abused. I thought only physical violence is abuse and this was so far from the truth. Verbal and emotional abuse can be every bit as traumatic as physical abuse. Bruises and even broken bones will heal in a certain amount of time (and abuse does escalate as the victim tries to take her power back as I did), the injuries to your spirit and heart will most often take a lot longer to heal. Healing of your emotional well-being has no set time for recovery; every person's healing process for this is different. The lingering effects of abuse on the survivor and her child/children can sometimes take years to heal.

The one thing that seems to affect the healing process more than anything is our own individual feelings. If you have a positive outlook on things and keep pushing the negative out of your mind, it can make a huge difference. If you feel good about yourself, knowing you are not perfect and that no one is meant to be... Knowing you are not at fault, that the ONLY person's behavior you can control is your own. In other words, if you think like a Survivor rather than a victim, you will be a Survivor!

Change is not always easy; it can be extremely difficult at times. But, compared to living in an abusive relationship, freedom is a whole lot better than walking on eggshells, waiting for that next episode of violence, trying to figure out what to do to fix everything; when the problems are not yours to fix, to begin with. These feelings along with so many others make life without abuse much easier to deal with. It is your life and you have the choice of what you make of it. It becomes your choice and no one else's.

It is a daily struggle to overcome abuse and its effects. It is hard to sort through all of the different feelings that come out as you begin to heal. It is important to tell your story and find people who will listen and not pass judgments on you; what we have been through; or what we may be still be going through.

So Many Questions

What is abuse? I've always been told by my abuser that my abuse was nothing more than an exaggerated figment of my imagination. Yet why does our child fear her father? Why is she afraid to speak her truth? Why is my story the same as every other woman who’s been in an abusive relationship? The only difference between me and the next woman who has fallen prey to an abuser is the mask that their abuser hides behind to protect his secret. Why did we protect them? Why did we fear them? Why did we love them? Why did I not have the strength to fight and scream? Ah, but I did and it fell on deaf ears, because the mask he wore hid his true persona very well. Only a few dared pull back the 1st layer of the mask and see the monster he really was. What took me a long time to realize was our relationship was a game to him and I was just a mere pawn. If I ever questioned his behavior I was constantly told I was “crazy” and “out of control” and he eroded away who I was. He constantly reminded me I was weak, stupid, a loser, and a nothing, these words were used to break my spirit, confidence, and question myself. I fell into an abyss; I was trapped in his world of darkness. I was right where my abuser wanted me to be stranded. I didn’t want to die a slow emotional death; I had to let go of the fear that paralyzed me from leaving this isolated abyss within his world. When I let go of the fear I took back my strength and power over myself. It was not just courage and outside support that lead me to finding my way out and back to the light, but it was learning to love, accept, and forgive myself. I have escaped forever and am no longer trapped in that dark lair that my abuser resides to hide and mask his own fears. I no longer carry his burden on my shoulders; he will find a new soul to possess and project his self loathing, fear, and hate onto them.

Once a liar always a liar

Without trust no relationship can thrive. I felt his lying is a result of deep flaws of his character that he masks by great protestations of loyalty, love, devotion and even acts of courage. But I think over time it just reveals his true nature, and the point of no return has passed.

He lied to me from the beginning our marriage. I never understood for a long time why he continually lied; even about insignificant small stuff that made you wonder and question why he put so much time and energy in the pursuit of this little lie. Pathological lying is just one of the traits of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and yet, I still find it hard to comprehend why he does what he does. I will never understand why it is so important to him that the lie he lives allows others see him as a good person yet, he does not care about the ones he says he loves, and when he batters them; he does not care how they perceive him.

In every lie I caught him in he would always attach “if we cannot discuss this and you do don’t believe me, then you don’t love me” a seemingly crazy making game. Like always he kept up with the pretense of believing his lie which perhaps contained an ounce of truth to add validity, and if that didn’t work he just continued to lie further. What always perplexed me the most is that once he was caught in the lie instead of just telling the truth and yes, I would have been upset in most cases (justly so), he would just act like a martyr and take a righteous stance and hold fiercely to his lie. He just didn’t get that telling the truth would have been the first step in rebuilding trust with me, but I now realize he could have never been truthful; it’s something that is not ingrained into his character.

The Fairy Tale

The fairy tale was short; not even quite a year. The nightmare was a long 15 years.

The courtship phase was wonderful; he was everything I wanted; it was intense and quick; we were married within 6 months. I didn't have time to think; I was so wrapped up in the whirlwind of what he wanted me to feel and see; it felt good and I was so happy, but I was caught in a web of illusion and I couldn't see past the facade. I shared all of my fears and joy with him and he stored all of this information, but not for love. It was like a weapon and he already had the gun; my feelings and experiences were just the ammo he loaded it with; he slowly pulled the trigger over and over until I could barely get up anymore. I thought I was dead, but I wasn't; I was just slowly drowning within his world. Before him I used to walk on clouds; then I walked on eggshells. I always laughed even was I was sad; then my laughter was nothing but tears. I always expressed my feelings; then I was silent. I sometimes wished he would just finish the job, not because I wanted to die; I just wanted the pain to end. I felt like the life was being drained out of me; like the fly paralyzed in the spiders web and I didn't know how to make him stop; I was afraid of both my own fears and of him.

I’d never met someone who had so much contempt and hate for everyone. I would watch him put on a different mask for the many roles he played; co-worker, friend and family member, but all the while he was smiling, laughing and praising them to their face he would later tell me behind there backs just how much disdain he had for them; he pointed out there character flaws; put them down; made fun of them; he always put himself above everyone. I asked myself what role was I serving in his game. Was it because he had broken me that he could share this hatred without fear? I guess I was safe; who was I going to tell; who would believe me.

It took me almost 10 years to figure out the one rule in his game; he always had to win. I was to serve and never question his authority. After all he constantly told me how naive and inexperienced I was; that I must believe that everything he said to me about our relationship is true, and so I adhered to his rule. I thought this was true for many years. I was supposed to believe that his abuse had stopped when he said it had stopped, regardless of what I saw in front of my own eyes. Whenever he was about to lose me he would use individual therapy for a brief time to pacify me, but his real goal was how to manage my “crazy out of control behavior” the key term of how  he has always described me. But his expression “crazy out of control” is only a code phrase for any way in which I stood up to him, expressed what angered, hurt and caused me pain.

No, I’m not a psycho crazy bipolar bitch; I was just married to a narcissist and this is his ending to the fairy tale as to why the princess dumped her prince charming.

Hope

The definition of hope “To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.” Most people will tell you “never let go of hope,” but when you’ve been involved with a narcissist the only way you’ll ever set yourself free is to learn to let go of hope. I held onto hope for 10 years and by the 14 year I began to sever the ties that bound me to this person and by the 15th year I was free.

Initially, as I began to let go of hope his iron fisted grasp got tighter, but in contrast I was also getting stronger. I never thought “hope” a mere one syllable word could hold so much power over me. As long as I held onto hope it kept me paralyzed, blinded and trapped in his reality, yet letting go of hope gave me the opposite freedom; what a strange parallel. To the outside world we looked like the perfect couple and when a child came into the picture we looked like the perfect family. It was a facade like everything else in his life. Nobody knew what was really happening behind closed doors.

When you leave a narcissist; they wipe you from memory, you no longer exist, and your history is rewritten to explain your departure. For a narcissist once they repeat the story out loud or in their head it becomes truth for them. A narcissist will never see their true reflection, so they project it onto you.

The hardest part about letting go of hope and moving forward is the journey of finding and reclaiming the parts of you that were lost. I feel like humpty dumpty who fell off a wall and could not be placed together as he was before. I was picked apart piece by piece and it will take time and work to piece myself back together again and be the whole person I once was. Never again will I be a fragile egg sitting on the edge, now I will keep my feet firmly planted into the ground.

Unfit Parent

Almost every email I receive from my ex he labels me an unfit parent. It's interesting an abuser labels the healthy parent as unfit. Does a fit parent corner his daughter in a basement scare her to death with his voice tone and the use his body to physically intimidate her? Does a fit parent continually tell his child since memory serves her that her mother is crazy, she never wanted you, she's a loser, and many other negative terms that fall into the same categorization? Does a fit parent send his child forwarded copies of the email he originally sends you which are full of the usual negative rhetoric and laced with personal attacks and put-downs? Why has my daughter taken on the role of protector for his 3 youngest stepchildren. She says she will do anything to help them especially the one that he seems to have zoned in on as his primary target. This scares me to death, because it puts my daughter in the direct line of fire. He has broken my hand and fractured my head, so physical violence is possible when he goes into a rage. Over the past year she has begun defying him and what that really means is she's standing up for her opinions, ideas, beliefs, and thoughts; she is setting boundaries, but as I have experienced you don't do that with a narcissist without repercussions.

Am I a perfect parent? No! I'm a very good parent. I've always told my daughter I'm a parent in training, because learning is never done and I'm continually growing right along with my daughter. My daughter is a beautiful, bright, strong, and articulate child; she has witnessed and experienced things in dealing with a narcissistic parent that I wish I could change, but I can't. The only thing I can do for her is give unconditional love, support, and always be there for her. To give her the tools that I never had or wasn't taught and hope she'll be a thriver and not just a survivor.

Monster Face

I was married to a monster of sorts at least that’s how my child always refers to her father’s angry face; when he get’s that face you’d better run and hide because when he’s in a blind rage and teeth are snarling he’ll eat you alive. His words are sharp and piercing like a knife that cuts to the bone. There’s no one in the end to save you but yourself.

I always wanted to know where the man I married went; he didn’t disappear he never existed. He studied me; listened to me and became what I wanted in a partner; these skills were the tools and weapons he gathered and would use later in the game. He believed what I believed, loved what I loved, I was perfect in his eyes and could do no wrong; the chameleon. That was the man I fell in love with, but that’s not who he was; that was the emotional con. After we were married things changed and I could do nothing right; it was always my fault; I tried so hard to change what he said was wrong with me.  I thought if I did this or that; never speak or express how I felt; always did things his way; asked for nothing then maybe he would love me again, but I could not see the truth for a very long time; it was never about me; it was a projection of himself and his fears, so I carried the baggage of 2.

As hard as it is to accept; he never loved me. It wasn’t because I was unlovable, undesirable or not loving; it’s because he’s incapable of giving love; of having empathy or compassion and what I thought was love was just a facade. His heart is surrounded in darkness and that will never change; he will put on a new mask and move onto the next victim and the next draining each one of life until they have the energy and strength to leave.  An emotional vampire is a miserable vile creature who survives on our fears, weakness and nurturing nature. Never blame yourself or look back at what you should have/could have done, none of it would have worked.